Filters for the Vietnam Yelp App I’m Developing: Ylep

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  • Has kids interrogating sweaty Americans
  • Has fluffy dogs meandering around the tables
  • Has premium beer girls
  • Has menu in English that lists items at twice the prices on the Vietnamese menu
  • Has beer girls in training to become premium beer girls
  • Has non-fluffy dogs that ain’t meandering nowhere
  • Has embalmed body of beloved communist leader
  • Has bottles of wine on the menu that the server will be totally confused if you order
  • Good for date night, i.e., has a bed
  • Has ice in Igloo-like cooler for beer
  • Has grilled chicken stomachs, which you didn’t know was even a thing
  • Has older sister (about 7) beating younger brother (about 5) with a broom because his ass needs to tighten up
  • Has men sitting and smoking
  • Requires that you keep on “sock”
  • Requires that you wear silly shorts over “sock” because Hawkeye
  • Serves premium 18-year-old Chivas that’s really snake whiskey
  • Serves still-beating cobra heart
  • Has foxy beer girls who laugh when you order beer in Vietnamese
  • Has server who will take your entire order before send out someone who speak English to take you order
  • Closes curtain during massage
  • Leaves curtain wide open for anyone who happens to be in the spa or passing by to enjoy the view of premium American man
  • Sizes you up for premium marriage to self or daughter who is sure to be foxy in a couple years
  • Squeezes fresh oranges to order when you order orange juice (scratch this one: every place squeezes the juice to order)
  • Has the dreaded bún dậu mắm tôm
  • Offers bubble bath with two women who’ve made their choices based on their options who you don’t judge because you think libertarianism is pretty much right on when it comes to people’s personal lives
  • Sells t-shirts with English words and/or branding that are hysterical
  • Has the Bold Font serving grilled chicken feet
  • Has fellow travelers who are eager to explain how the dining situation works at that Korean place in the Aeon mega mall
  • Has medicine with Codeine that you can buy over the counter, no kidding
  • Is truly masterful with fan placement
  • Has Abba doing the tunes from Mamma Mia! playing from the stereo/karaoke machine
  • Has little girl singing through Karaoke machine when it’s not being used to play Abba
  • Has young patron who will approach you and kindly ask if you mind having a conversation with him so he can practice his English
  • Is the type of place where you can find Miracle giving a cultural tour
  • Is the type of place Gina likes to book tours to, which you can tell because there will be lots of walking and sweating and cultural stuff to look at, but no baths with essential oils or apricot rice whiskey
  • Is the type of place you visit when Joseph does the planning, which has beautiful baths with essential oils that you sit in and where they offer you apricot rice whiskey afterward
  • Is famous for a dish that gets translated as goat meatballs but which could easily be goatmeat balls, which is a totally different dish
  • Has frolicking water buffalo frolicking in the distance
  • Has water buffalo you’re just sure want to have their bellies rubbed by sweaty Americans
  • Has a chipmunk for sale
  • Has Halal certificate posted right there on the wall, which is good news indeed for Ruksana
  • Host gives two thumbs up when you tell her you’re gonna prolly do some wheelies on the motorbike she’s loaned you because she has no idea what you’ve said but excitement needs no translation
  • Has young and beautiful therapist who will look at your toenails and decide they need a good trim and buff
  • Claims to be a nail salon but you can just tell is in a totally different business altogether
  • Has stuff that costs more than 100,000 dong and so is expensive in the mind of your wife who still loves you
  • Is run by three women who could be daughter, mother, and grandmother or who could just as easily be sisters
  • Powers hair clippers with a car battery under a tree
  • Has skinny kid who gets yelled at a lot to take orders by the men who sit and smoke
  • Has group of revelers at the next table over who shout “mộthaibadzô!” with much enthusiasm, indeed, before downing their bia hoi or snake whiskey
  • Requires reservations but will be totally confused when you try to make one
  • Has spider

If you’ve spent any time in country and have suggestions, please leave them in the comments.


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