Astute readers that you are, I’m sure you might have guessed that I think Ubud is for the birds, particularly if you know anything about Ubud’s recent history. According to our Balinese fixer and native informant, Christian at Suarsena House, Ubud was a totally different place five years ago. Now, it’s crowded, crowded, crowded, which is great if you enjoy deeply tanned Euro chicks in belly shirts, but less great if you want to make friends with cool Balinese people and chill.
Suarsena House, by the way, is one of two chill places we found in Ubud. The other is Warung San Sen, which is where you should eat every night if you’re staying in Ubud. A major factor in Suarsena House’s chillness is Christian himself. Because he’s super chill and kind and genuine. I’m pretty sure if you look up “super chill and kind and genuine” in a Balinese dictionary, you’ll find a photo of him sitting on the stool where he sits most of the day, smoking cigarettes, drinking strong Balinese coffee, and playing his guitar and singing. He does a version of Aerosmith’s 1998 hit, “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing,” that is deeply, deeply stirring. Seriously. If you don’t think you enjoy Aerosmith’s later stuff, Christian’s rendition of this classic, classic tune will change your mind. When you add in the family kids running around the place, you really do feel like “now you are in heaven “—which is what the Balinese say when they make a toast—and you forget that right outside is Ubud, which is not really for me.
When you wise up and get out of Ubud for good on the mighty Honda CB150X you rented from Tari the friendly motorcycle rental chick, you will discover some things you didn’t know about yourself and your machine.
The first thing you discover is that you are not as accomplished a motorcycle driver as you thought you were. Because you are not to the manner born, as they say. You will realize this when you are passing through a little village in the countryside when school lets out and you are now in the flow with 9-year-olds basically taking you to motorbiking reeducation camp, like the little girl with braided hair in the photo who we followed for a while. This little chickie was leaning, knee down, into the corners and popping power wheelies on the exits. She’s like a 9-year-old Balinese Rossi. She even backed it in a couple times just to show us what’s up. And I guarantee she’s never watched a YouTube video about trail braking or the physics of counter steering. Because, as it turns out, Freddy Mercury taught us everything we need to know about motorbikes on Queen’s hit song from their polarizing 1978 album Jazz, “Fat Bottomed Girls”:
“Get on your bikes and ride!”
You will also learn that while the mighty Honda CB150X is indeed keen, there are certain things having to do with physics that she isn’t immediately comfortable with and she will need lots of coaxing and encouragement and attention to the neck and the nipples and maybe a couple glasses of rosé before she really starts to purr.
For example, when you get out of Ubud and head north, you will soon be in the mountains. There will be long and steep inclines you will have to drive up in first gear on which it isn’t advisable for you to stop. Not even to frolic with the monkeys. The inadvisability of stopping became clear early on in our trip yesterday when one of the oncoming tour buses that firmly believe they own the roads here nearly ran us off and into the cliff face on our left. Forced to choose between stopping mid-steep incline or careening into the rock wall or taking on the bus in a game of chicken it was sure to win, I stopped . . . and it was immediately apparent that the front brake of the mighty and keen Honda CB150X was not going to hold us on such a steep incline, which I found pretty surprising because motorcycle brakes, even on these little rice burners they produce for the Asian markets, have gotten to be very, very good indeed.
Well, good as they are, these brakes were not going to hold us. Not on this incline, not with me (who weighs twice as much as your standard-issue Balinese male) and my wife who still loves me (who weighs more than my third wife, who no doubt will be Balinese, will weigh), and our backpack containing more than we both need to live (which weighs more than the 9-year-old Balinese Rossi) . . . not with all this plus the not-inconsiderable force of regular-old gravity dragging it down. Not gonna happen.
This problem is compounded by the fact that to get going again I will need to release the front brake to get on the throttle—because I will have to keep the revs high, indeed—and so will have to rely solely on the rear brake to hold us. If you know anything about the motorcycle braking situation, you know that if the front brake ain’t getting it done, the rear brake sure as shit won’t do it. Good news is that Gina and I worked out a strategy for dealing with issues like this whereby when I frantically say “Off! Off!” she does a backflip off of the bike Link-style and shouts “Hiyyyyyyyaa!” and so we are saved from dropping the bike, which would no doubt slide to the bottom of the incline, and then we’ll have to start over.
When you get to the gorgeous, gorgeous mountain region where Munduk is, you will quickly realize that as good as the camera is on your phone, it will be totally insufficient to capture the depth and scale and magnificence of the landscape here, which really is breathtaking. Munduk is the place to be. It is the total opposite of Ubud in that it is not for the birds, unless of course you count the roosters which crow here pretty much nonstop. If this is the sort of sound that really grates on you and will ruin your time here, I am worried for the state of your soul.
What is there to do in Munduk?
Not shopping and dining at posh restaurants, that’s for sure. And although I’m sure you can wear a belly shirt if you want to, it’s not really advisable because, being in the mountains and all, it’s much chillier here than on the coast. No, here is for waterfalls and gorgeous, gorgeous views that you can enjoy while having an eight dollar traditional Balinese massage, which will be provided by the lovely young lady in the photo whose hands are stronger than her diminutive figure and gentle demeanor would suggest.
When it’s time for dinner at Warung Genitri, you will be struck by the concentration of beautiful Balinese women who work in the kitchen here. These ladies not only make delicious eggplant balado and corn fritters, but they are also kind and gentle and let me into the kitchen to learn their secrets. They didn’t even bat an eye when we realized we didn’t have enough rupiah to pay the bill and asked if we could come back tomorrow to pay because the nearest ATM is a 20-minute drive in the other direction and it was dark and we’d had some delicious Balinese wine and the twisties here are incredible for motorcycling during the day if you’re dead sober but probably pretty treacherous at night after a couple glasses of wine and so we decided not to risk it. They didn’t even bat an eye. Not one.
Often, since coming to Southeast Asia, I’ve said aloud, “I love this place.” Not always, though. Not in Bangkok, and this despite the ladyboys (who are called kathoey, and who I do, in fact, love). And definitely not in Ubud, that’s for sure. But in Hanoi (every day) and Lopburi, in Kanchanaburi and Sam Roi Yod and Hua Hin. I love these places. And now I love it in Munduk too.
I love it here: The landscape is beautiful, the food is excellent, and the people have vibe, vibe, vibe.